I Wish My Dad Were Alive to See Me Become a Mom
I have to learn to move forward despite him not being here because at the end of the day, that’s the best we can do
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Growing up, my Dad was so proud of every single accomplishment I’ve ever had, regardless of how minuscule it may have been. Every single trophy, every medal, every grade, every project, every job, just everything.
He was always proud of me no matter what it was. And as a kid, that’s the greatest feeling in the world — to know that your parents are proud of you and that you are so loved.
When I lost my Dad in 2021, it felt like I lost my biggest fan. It felt like there was no one on the sidelines to cheer me on anymore. There was no one who would gloat about my mediocre achievements. There was no longer anyone to make proud. It felt like I had lost my biggest reason for feeling significant.
I do still have my husband, my Mom, my Sister, friends, and countless loved ones, but there was no one in the world who was as proud of me as he was. And as I’m stepping into my next big role and huge life chapter of becoming a new Mom, I wish he was around to be proud of that too.
As I’m entering this monumental life chapter, I can’t help but think of all the moments he’ll be missing out on — my kid’s first birthday, their first time learning to walk, their first words, their first day at school, first crush, first graduation, and their life in general. All of the things that he was so proud if me for. All the things he would have been proud of them for.
I can’t help but think of the moments he’ll miss me having and all of the advice that I could have used from him. He’ll miss out on getting to know them and getting to know who I become as a Mom.
And to me, that’s the saddest part — knowing that he’ll no longer be able to get to know me anymore.
When he died, I felt like my life had only just begun. I had recently turned thirty and it felt like we had only just started getting to the really good parts. I felt like there was still so much to look forward to. It felt like our time was cut short — I wasn’t ready for that kind of loss yet.
And now that he’s gone, living life without him just feels like an entirely new chapter in and of itself. It doesn’t feels quite normal. It doesn’t feel quite right.
But that’s what it’s like to lose someone you love. It’s learning how to live life differently. I have to get used to not having someone be proud of me like he was. I have to get used to celebrating my mediocre accomplishments without him. I have to learn how to be proud of myself, for myself. For him. Because that’s what he would have wanted.
I have to learn to move forward despite him not being here because at the end of the day, that’s the best we can do.
